Tough Call For Tough Love


I had a discussion this morning with a client. It was an interesting conversation that called for a huge dose of tough love and requires a big heap of accountability. He violated his own moral code. Whether he will step up or not is up to him. My job is to tell it to him straight and be there to support him in this journey of becoming someone he loves, because the karma of doing otherwise is SOOO incredibly painful… let’s skip it.

I see this kind of thing all the time, yet I still am dismayed when it happens. And my heart breaks for them… because they are acting out of fear. They have no faith in the mystery of life and those they love. They have developed huge expectations and even bigger attachments to the outcomes of those expectations. They believe that life will do them wrong and that they will get cheated in some way. Simple truth… they have made themselves a victim and made someone else out to be the villain. They are afraid.

Remember that desperate fearful actions lead to regretful outcomes. Ones you often cannot take back.

So… here goes. There is never a situation where acting rude or being an ass to someone is ok (but we all fall into that trap from time to time… it’s never ok and you will feel bad and carry damaging guilt… unless you are a psychopath and that is a whole other discussion). It is never ok to take it upon yourself to reach into someone else’s personal assets/belongings and take them for any reason even if you think it is for that persons own good. That’s why there are laws about this. It’s never ok to take it upon yourself to act on another’s behalf without their express permission no matter what. Permission is NEVER implied. And… just as this person did… you will always get caught, look like an idiot, destroy the trust people you value and respect have in you, and break the heart of your family members. People… in the face of a crisis, will do things that defame their own character. They will act in ways they, nor anyone else, would have ever guessed they would. And they may justify it and tell themselves that what they are doing is ok… even good. Bullshit. They have become desperate to save themselves… why… because they fear losing something and are desperate to keep something they think they have (that they actually don’t even have) or they get fearful or angry because they are not getting something they want. We are fit throwing children in the face of fear. Stop living in fear of losing something… if it’s meant to be gone there is nothing in this world you can do to stop it. And instead… be grateful for your health, your family, and that your blessed enough that your basic needs are being met… in truth you are blessed beyond the comprehension of most human beings on this earth. Perspective… keep it all in perspective.

I have immense compassion for a person when this situation happens to them. Because I have been afraid. I have felt desperate. I have felt fear choking me… this same kind of fear. And… I have lived through the other side full of regret and sometimes shame. And it is not pretty. I know that there is a heavy load of pain with someone when they are in this space and I feel so much love and compassion for them. And… it’s still not ok. And I don’t want them to have to live out the downstream effects of these kinds of actions stemming from fear and anger. So, I give them truth.

Here it is, Tough love… No thing is yours. It never was. You have nothing in this world. Everything you perceive you have is a great gift that can be ripped away in a moment and in truth you never had it anyhow and never will. Because these things are like sand running through your fingers… you never have it… it’s just passing by. We own nothing in this life. Nothing. Even we ourselves are temporary. Everything we get all in a tizzy about is just our story of life playing an awful trick on us. Because… it’s just a story. Nothing is permanent. We are entitled to nothing! And the moment you start to think you are… let me tell you karma is a bitch of a bed fella.

And if your shit is falling apart then there’s about a 99.9% chance you have something to do with it. You dropped the ball somewhere. Don’t look to other people to pick up the pieces or save you because you didn’t do your job and mind your p’s and q’s. When the ship starts sinking it requires action… and it’s the kind of action that calls forth a great deal of accountability for yourself. It’s time to tighten the belt and stop the bleeding and it starts in your own house. Not in someone else’s. Look in the mirror… you are the problem. Start there.

Hardest thing on earth to do… OMG I feel for him. I know it’s rough.

So… what did I tell him. This: “The only villain here is you. You created your own situation and the associated discomfort in your life right now… own it. Dial up your moral compass and realign yourself with it. Be compassionate with yourself but step up and be the man you were brought up to be and desire to be. Go and fix what you have broken and if you can’t fix it at least behave like someone you will respect when it’s all over. And love yourself unconditionally in the process.”

Why… Because you have to answer to yourself… and guilt and shame is a awful lover to lie down with every night. And if you continue on this path… that is what you will be left with… that and maybe that alone. Truth and love and good action is the only peaceful way to the other side of a struggle. Embrace that… everything else will work itself out.

I love this client as a human being… and can’t wait to see him transcend his ego and grow and become a more compassionate and enlightened human and begin to end his own emotional suffering; he will in part do that by dealing with this situation he has created with grace and humility and kindness and love. And it starts with honesty and accountability and ownership of where he is and then being kind and compassionate with himself… and letting that grow outward to encompass all those around him.

Yep… let us all start there.

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